Finderweb

In the Past

It’s breathtaking when you look back at a single moment of time and realize that you’ve left a part of you behind. But you never truly do leave that part behind; God holds it and nurtures it, until the moment in your life when you can appreciate it and desire it again. That part of me was my love for music. I’ve enjoyed music all of my life, learning from it, gaining revelations from it, expressing myself through it…but there are few points that I can say that I truly loved music and felt connected with it. Those moments are those when you realize that music is more than sound or a melody, but a means of expression. There are not many things in this world powerful enough to bring you back like a song.

For me that song tonight was the clichéd Pachelbel. Recently I’ve felt a yearning for this part of my life when I finally decided to take up a new instrument this weekend, the piano. The freshness of it has entrapped me back in the desire to become entwined with an instrument, able to express myself fully again. Then tonight I figured out the bass-line for Pachelbel Canon. Mind you, the song is far too difficult for a third day student…but the bass line led to another line and another that led to powerful memories of playing in the quartet, and truly finding joy through music. In fact, I was in the quartet again, in sync with the other musicians, feeling the power of the piece that only a musician can.

It’s breathtaking when you look back at a single moment of time and realize that you’ve left a part of you behind. But I am excited to have been given that part back, and hope that some day I can fully experience what God desires of me with it.

Open Minds

“A comprehensive world view (or worldview) is the fundamental cognitive orientation of an individual or society encompassing natural philosophy; fundamental, existential, and normative postulates; or themes, values, emotions, and ethics.” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Worldview)

Recently I’ve noticed an influx of specific thought patterns in society. Perhaps the patterns have always been there and I have been the one ignorant (blissfully) of their presence, but it’s all I can do to shake my head at the irony. In full disclosure, I am a generally conservative Christian, and a literalistic Bible believing one at that, which many people misinterpret but I will explain later in this post. I’m not a Republican, and I believe that world views encompass more than political beliefs, so my political beliefs have nothing to do with this article. The people I have most interaction with are from the northeastern United States…an area rife with arrogance. ;) So some statements may not be true of America in general.

Before I begin, let’s go back a decade. We see the begin of what’s been labeled the “Neo-modern” generation and a sharp uprise in the belief in relativism, with truth based on experience instead of truth guiding our perception of experience. Our country is still coming to terms with the concept of accepting other world views, and perhaps always will be so long as absolutists (myself included) exist. The relativistic “agenda” if you will began with calling all people that were unwilling to accept the possible validity of other world views as “closed minded”, and deservedly so. There is indeed a difference between disregarding a person and what they believe because it is different than yours, and having tested what they believe and coming to the conclusion that they are wrong…I tend to fall into the second category. Believing that someone is wrong but still accepting them as having their own opinion is the key to the difference. To instantly consider the other person incapable of holding an intelligent opinion or to not consider their opinion as a possibility is to be closed minded.

There are many people that fall under the umbrella of my religion that are unwilling to accept any idea outside of their own believe patterns as “ridiculous”, even if from a credible theological source. Testing the new idea and considering it incorrect, or even unfitting to what you know as true is different than blindly disregarding every opinion that doesn’t sit well with you. A decade ago, these people were labeled as “closed minded”, and disregarded as having valid opinions by those who favor relativism. Frankly I don’t care much that those people have been labeled as such; I’ve never been one to disregard opinions without evidence. The result of it though does trouble me.

Fast forward to today. The group of people labeled closed minded ten years ago are now called “right wing extremists”. In an interesting turn of events, somehow politics has taken the place of world view, and all people holding a certain political belief are thought to think the same way. Therefore, all conservatives who are also bible believing Christians are written off as people who know nothing about, nor care about, science or finding truth beyond their religion, also but a single part of a whole world view. The hubris of society has disregarded all people who don’t share their belief system instantly, and without evidence. Sound familiar? It should, the same instant disregard of an entire people group based on certain beliefs are what right wing extremists got called closed minded for in the first place. 

The closed mindedness this time has been done in the name of science. If something from religion can not be scientifically proven, it is disregarded as false. Extra-biblical beliefs such as “intelligent design” have done nothing to help this matter as they try to bridge the gap between science and religion in a way that simply doesn’t work, and is easy to attack from a scientific perspective. The message of creation from a religious context has been disregarded in the same way that intelligent design has in general thought, despite their vast dissimilarities. The same measure has been used against the Bible as a whole, claiming that as a document it doesn’t hold scientific weight. Let’s pause on that for a moment…a historical document, more written about and supported than any other document in the world, is disregarded on the basis that it can’t be completely proven with a scientific test. I venture to say that no historical document could, as you don’t measure them by their testability…instead, their reliability and number of accounts. One does not have to “prove” that George Washington existed, it is accepted on the accounts of hundreds of writers and people from that time period that have verified that he did indeed exist, and was the first president of our nation. To require a scientific test of that fact, beyond a historical finding of witness accounts from documents at the time, is ignorant of science at best. Thankfully it’s more “fanboys” than “scientists” that make those claims.

The disturbing part of all of this to me is the response of both sides, and those of us stuck in the middle. In my own belief system, there is room for both science and religion in their own ways. Sure, there are debates about macro evolution, and the story of the beginning of time that rage on in society, but I have enough evidence to support my own beliefs, for creation to receive at least as much credence as the massive improbability that exists in the belief system of evolution. But society doesn’t see it that way…instead, for being a Christian, I am disregarded as incapable of intelligent scientific thought. I am expected to be a conservative republican with absolute views on everything, which I find offensive. My beliefs on economics, politics, religion, theology, faith, sociology, ethics, philosophy, science, and psychology are all expected to fall in line with those of a common religion…just one of many facets to a world view. The common denominator of society has become closed minded to alternative beliefs, so long as any of your belief systems falls in line with those that they’ve formed a prejudice against. 

But I suppose that’s just it…we are a nation founded on prejudice and the struggle of it, from slavery to ideas on possession of firearms. Few are willing to listen to the other side, or consider that they might just be wrong. Few are willing to compromise, even if just accepting that the other person is entitled to their own opinion despite the possibility that they are wrong…or that you are wrong. Instead of tolerance being the idea of living in peace with others and respecting the possibility of their views (despite your own prejudice), it has become a mantra of those seeking a singular world view on topics to be shared by all, the case most often cited of ethics. Ultimately, closed mindedness.

I consider that I might be wrong…on many ideas, and many fronts of my own world view. For you to be absolutist that I am wrong on all of them based on one of them, I consider you to be absolutely wrong. Humbleness has become a rare virtue, and one not nearly respected enough…

Cooking

Recently I started an experiment in cooking. I decided to try at least one new recipe a week, or at the very least to put a new spin on an old recipe I had made once a week. So far I’ve done well at getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things. I’ve also taken to some ingredients, that while I had used before, I hadn’t appreciated.

The desire to cook new things really didn’t come entirely out of a lack of knowledge of cooking. I had worked in a restaurant for two years and had learned to cook a decent amount of things, particularly meats and basic cooking of sides/veggies/soups. I have since been decent at making things in the skillet and grill, but trying new recipes required me to learn new techniques, particularly about seasoning, baking, and sauces.

I still have a long way to go in learning, but the experience has definitely been positive and I will hopefully continue the trend for a long time (and am looking into cullinary classes). Being once a week it has almost entirely destroyed any appetite for fast food (well seasoned home cooked meals are AMAZING compared to fast food) and hasn’t contributed to weight gain since it is just a week. In fact, I would say it’s helped me have the willpower to stay on a decent diet for the rest of the week knowing that I have good food waiting during the weekend.

Of course I’ve had some flops…but for every flop I learn something, and have had many more successes because of it. Typically if I destroy a recipe I will try to re-make it the next week to get it right (unless the recipe is just bad…but I have some nice cookbooks) and have so far succeeded.

I haven’t moved into too difficult of cooking yet…my ingredients are still limited at 10-15, my steps to 5-7, and I usually still cook a basic side with a main meal, but the side and the meal have gotten much better and more varied. I can’t wait to take where the path takes me.

For those of you who don’t know how to cook, I highly suggest starting by picking up a cookbook and just trying (I liked “How to Cook Everything” and “Just a Bunch of Recipes” (from Sam the Cooking Guy - http://www.thecookingguy.com/book/). There’s no other way to learn than doing.

Zero dollars left and I just got paid

Since the start of the year I’ve begun making and following a $0 budget. In a way, it’s a huge pain, but in another, it’s very liberating. First an explanation…

A zero dollar budget is a budget in which you pre-reserve every dollar of income that you have for the next month ahead of time to categories or bills. As you go through the month and things fluctuate, you must adjust the budget to accommodate for categories that go over budget. In the same way, you adjust the opposite for leftover money at the end of the month in the next month’s budget. You also have certain categories such as “car repair” for things that most people consider emergencies, but in reality are things that obviously require money in the first place. By doing a post-month and pre-month budget you can see everything you missed on a month to month basis and smooth over things like Christmas (which still happens at the same time every year).

Dave Ramsey does a much better job of explaining the concept in general than I do (hence why he’s sold millions of copies of “The Total Money Makeover”. The budget also requires an emergency fund in order to not be shaken too much by completely unforeseen circumstances

Most people would think it’s a very constricting thing to do, but in reality it allows you to plan ahead for things that you truly want and it avoids waste on splurges.

I looked around for multiple budgeting softwares, but was unable to find any that fit my needs. GnuCash had a budget system but I wanted to see live data of how much money I had in each category, which it just didn’t allow. There are multiple other budgeting systems, but I am not a fan of most cashbook register programs such as Quicken. I settled on a more advanced method that makes budgeting a pain but gives me amazing insight into my exact circumstances on a day to day basis (which given my logical and data driven mind, is a perfect fit). I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it for most people…

The system I created involves creating sub-accounts of each asset account. For example, in my Checking account I have Food, Bills, etc…the Bills are further broken down by bill type. At each paycheck I have auto-transfers between my main Checking account into each sub-category. When I make payments or spend money (say on food), the money comes out of the sub-category rather than my primary account. I do the same thing for my savings for things like saving up for school payment so it can grow interest. This gives me a running day to day total of the exact dollar amount in each budgeted category and allows me to adjust as necessary.

There are a few caveats of that system.

1. Importing becomes much more difficult, as the payment entry could have already been in a sub-account.
2. Future planning of bills in the register is nearly impossible as it will lower your current dollar amount. Reports can be run against the register…but that’s more difficult than what I wanted
3. It nearly requires doing double entry for every payment (where every line item has a from and a to account in the register). For me, this is a plus, as I have been doing double entry ever since I did accounts payable, but a simple register is difficult enough for most people.

To make things a little easier, I use the full general ledger in Gnu Cash a lot more where I can see every entry, and reconcile more than most sane people would. Sometimes I may need to reconcile 3-4 times a week as payments are easy to get lost somewhere in the system, entered twice, or were scheduled incorrectly. I’ve even had to back up a full month of reconciliation to find some of the entries that were duplicated.

The beautiful thing about it is that I can see, for example, that I have paid electric, phone, etc already this month, and that money that was pre-budgeted is now $0. I have so much left on food for the next week and a half, and unless I borrow from another category I’m out of luck because I’m out of money already (even though I still have some in my account).

I also run a normal budget so I can adjust my auto-transfers and see how much I spent in cash for each category as well. But overall it will either change my financial life or make me extremely depressed to see all of my money disappear the same day I get paid every time. But knowledge is power, and to meet goals you must understand the progress you’ve made, where you stand, and where it is that you need to be.

It’s what you do that defines you

Another inspirational movie quote this week, this time from one of my favorite shows, “Batman Begins”. It’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that defines you.

I think the statement says a lot about people and their motivation in doing things. Often times the framework of a person will drive them to do the things that their framework built them to do, but sometimes external motivators like fear, greed, or compassion will drive them to do things that is not normal in their lives.

The interesting thing is when these motivators start to change a person on the inside. Years of living in fear can erode away at a person’s fiber and ultimately change them. I do believe that people can change, but to change for the better it takes a dedication and a discipline that the general population honestly just does not have.

It ultimately comes back to the question on what drives a person. Emotions can be controlled at will with discipline and focus, although most people disagree. However, some people let their emotions drive them. But ultimately, “Our heart loves what our mind thinks about, and our body does what our heart loves.” You can control what is in your mind, and are directly in control of your actions. It’s all about focus.

Oh, and I’ve decided to become Batman.

Echoes in Eternity

“What we do in life echoes in eternity.” - Maximus Decimus Meridius, Gladiator.

I’ve had an amazing drive tonight. I think a lot of it had to do with remembering some old songs, listening to some CD’s from the height of my life, and generally accepting that to have happiness, I need to create it. It’s amazing how life can fade away and God reminds you that there is more.

My great uncle passed away this week. Following a friend that I used to work with that died last month. Both were the type of people that spending five to ten minutes around was uplifting, and you walked away with a better day and a smile on your face. I remember many times where he was aggravating someone that was down, sometimes me, always making everyone feel better, always stealing the room. My other friend was the type that always encouraged me to be a better person, to remember what life’s about. It’s hard in life when the pillars that are men such as these move on, but it made me think a lot about impact and purpose.

I’ve felt recently, at least the last couple of years that I’ve had a lacking in purpose. Sure, I know what God commands me to do, but I mean a specific task that I can get passionate about. Then I remembered Amy Newhouse. It’s funny how my life keeps coming back to that single moment in high school. Let me explain a bit about Amy.

She was a young lady that always had a smile on her face, had the most beautiful curly hair, and was never fake with anyone. I was the strange boy, a nerd, that was sitting with my parents in church at 13, afraid to talk to anyone, severely depressed with no purpose. She changed my life. Every Sunday, she would ask me to come sit with her and her friends. Eventually I gave in, and the rest of my life was changed because of her. She was a truly amazing person that accepted everyone for who they were, and showed them love. A couple of years later, she was diagnosed with cancer and later passed away. I will never forget how packed her funeral was. There were hundreds if not thousands of people at her funeral. It still blows my mind that a single person can have that much impact on the world. And almost every one of those people touched would instantly tell you about the glow that Amy put off when you were around her, even through her struggle with cancer, and how her impact has changed their life. Now they have made a movie about her, “A Greater Yes”. I haven’t seen it yet, but I guarantee to you that I will. In Dave Ramsey’s words, she was the type of person that didn’t let life happen to her, she happened to life.

It’s shaming really, that in my everyday life, I’ve lost glimpse of that. Every person I come across, every circumstance I find myself in, could be me 15 years ago, alone, afraid, and almost ready to give up. My purpose has never changed. I’ve just lost my way. I think it’s time to stop letting life happen to me. I am tired of being powerless, I think it’s time to make an impact again.

There is more to life than the daily grind, the commute, your job, school, your relationship. I think before you can prioritize any of that, you need to find your drive, your passion. I found mine again, I just pray that I have the strength to stay with it this time. I think that for us to be whole, we must find that drive. In speaking with another friend, there’s a few things that are required.

First, if you are in a bad way, find peace. I am not saying to settle, just accept where you are. Second, you need to learn to hold your head high again. After you achieve that, you just need to remember what it’s all about, and get at it. I’ll let you know how my path has gone soon, I hope some of you join with me.

6 days later

As a follow up to my last post, I was largely correct. The steps quickly took me from a point of obsession back down to life, mainly being better by the end of the weekend. I am going to continue my steps however as I have a great need for any peacefulness I an get in life at the moment. I have to say that this has been one of the worst months I’ve had in years. It’s one of those times in life where I keep hoping things will get better but the rabbit hole keeps getting deeper. All I can do is hold on, keep doing what I know is good such as work and school, and pray for the tides of change to come quickly. The hardest part of it all is being powerless and helpless…unable to comfort those I love, unable to change the things that break my hope, and unable to overcome obstacles that should be manageable. Perhaps I’m the one that needs to create change again, I am just waiting on God’s word to step. Until then I will continue one day at a time. I still feel something close on the horizon…either wonderful or terrible, I’m not sure. I pray for the best and prepare for the worst.

Obsessiveness

As a typically calm and collected, focused person, I have recently been having a state of mind that I haven’t really had to deal with to this degree before - obsession. It’s a little intriguing, but at the same time, has to be stopped now. It’s been hard to sleep, has started to interfere with school, and has made me enjoy life much less. I can see how people can get trapped by it their entire lives. There isn’t really a point of my obsession, just generic unrest in life and constant switching between tasks. Below are just a few examples that I’ve noticed and have been working on to stop. I’ll also give some hints for anyone in the same shoes dealing with the same thing. Please read my disclaimer at the bottom, and know that I have no training whatsoever in dealing with such issues. I have however started to make the decline back down to a focused, calm, assertive, and disciplined life. It is nice to not be peaking any longer.

1. ) Facebook. This one is weird, because I’ve never been a huge fan or user of facebook. But recently I’ve been checking it every 10-15 minutes. As of yesterday, I have decided not to visit facebook any longer for at least the next six weeks. I doubt I will be able to accomplish that, but just the effort is calming.

2.) Stumbleupon. Stumble upon is a firefox extension that takes you to interesting websites when you hit the button. But recently, it’s been more about hitting the button and going to page after page, rather than enjoying the content. I’ve had to uninstall it. This is actually the only thing that has been able to hold my attention for more than 15 minutes lately, but always leaves me with an anxious feeling.

3.) Video games. Ok, this will sound odd…I can’t focus on video games. After sticking one in, I get tired of it within 5 minutes, switch to another, rinse, repeat. Typically video games are a mentally active escape after I get home, and help me get tired, but recently they’ve been as unrestful as the rest of my life. They’re having to go for now until they are restful again.

4.) Commute. My commute is usually a high point of stress for me, but recently I’ve found myself becoming more and more upset with people, and less and less willing to be productive, such as reading for class, and instead just want to sit and listen to music.

There are many other things that I have become obsessive over, just nothing productive…I wouldn’t mind it so much if I were obsessing over cleaning or the likes, though I suppose any obsession is unhealthy. Here are some things that have helped me start to get over it:

1.) Destroying the current obsessions: Leaving facebook, limiting TV time, gaming time, computer time, uninstalling stumble upon. Every time I obsess over something, I have to put a stop to it then before it escalates it. Thanks Cesar Millan. Even though I’m not a dog, treating myself with calm/assertive energy, and stopping my mind from escalating has helped tremendously. I just wish I could destroy my commute. Instead, I’ve been listening to music on the commute to help me ignore other people. I feel that six weeks of all of this is necessary for the time being. It’s a goal that I may do horribly at, but I need to at least make an effort.

2.) Getting out more: same as for depression, spending evenings with friends, going for walks, and enjoying the weather rain or shine have helped clear my mind a lot. The dangerous part of walks though is that it leads to thinking; I have just had to make a conscious effort to focus on my surroundings and the act of walking and not the thoughts that are trying to take over my mind such as work or relationships.

3.) Working on school/the house: As things that I have avoided in this state of mind, I have found that if I just start working on them, a lot of the angst goes away, and being productive leaves me with a good feeling at the end of the night, plus takes some energy away.

4.) Classical music: This has helped me tremendously, especially tonight. Any time I listen to music I have found that I need to be listening to classical. Any other style activates my brain, especially alternative rock that I typically listen to.

5.) Limit coffee/alcohol: I am a huge coffee drinker, and typically enjoy a single glass of wine before bed. I am limiting coffee since it is a stimulant, and absolutely am not drinking alcohol. Though wine can be calming, drinking in any weakened state of mind is a path to alcoholism, including depression and obsession. Both depression and obsession are both states of reaction, weakness, and instability that need to be dealt with before you can be a responsible person.

6.) Leaving Instant Messaging: time with friends is good, time chatting on the internet is not. I need to avoid people that are not having a direct impact on taking my mind off of things, especially people online which has been a big draw of my attention.

7.) Meditation: Not necessarily in the traditional sense, but just meditation on studies, sitting in silence, making an effort to stop thinking for a while. It is more of an exercise in dealing with the root causes, introspecting, and practicing stopping unhealthy thoughts as they happen.

8.) Writing: The primary reason I am writing this blog post is to collect thoughts and force myself onto a single train of thought for some time. No one reads my blog posts on this site, but that doesn’t really matter. Writing your thoughts down helps to clear up your mind, as well as helping you realize the issues you need to address mentally. My state of mind is also the primary reason that this blog post is so disconnected compared to normal. ;)

I have no doubt that I can overcome the obsession, and am already on the path of recovery after just two or three days. Typically it takes about a week to change my state of mind to something more balanced. Life event after life event seemed to drive me into it, though none of the issues are what I am obsessing about, all of them rise to the top eventually, and will need to be dealt with in a healthy way rather than avoiding them. If you’re suffering from severe obsession, please do not take my words as a way out, and please seek help if you need it. I am in no way trained or qualified to give you advice. The above are just ways that I know that I need to deal with the situation, and have been tools to help me overcome hardships in the past. There is no guarantee that any of them will help you, though obsession is interesting in that you know immediately when something is calming versus something that makes you anxious. I’ll try to write a review of my actions on the upside. I am taking a negative situation and turning it into a life experiment. :)

Possibly Palm’s biggest mistake

Palm announced recently that they will be ramping up their SDK over the next few months to a full release at the end of the summer for the Palm Pre. As a developer, I think that timeline may be detrimental to the user experience for Palm. People are already complaining about the lack of apps, especially games. With a 3 month delay before a general release, I fear that their app store will feel as bare as it does now for at least 5-6 months. You should have had this all wrapped up at release, Palm…apple had time, you do not. But if you’re happy with only your initial sales figures and no others because you’re too scared to release your SDK and people are pissed about the lack of apps, giving you negative publicity, so be it. But as a developer I would prefer to start working with a beta sdk than no sdk…especially since it would help me get off the ground faster once you release the full thing. Just my two cents…

I have to say that one of my major pet peaves is the RIAA. Yes, the whole thing. If they weren’t suing grandmothers who have never owned computers, and three year old children (I may be exagerating…but not by much), I still wouldn’t like them. Why? The simple arrogance of the claim that just because people aren’t buying music they are pirating it.

In my own world, and my own mind, I imagine that a lot of people are like me…not because I am arrogant or a good example of an average person, but because I believe that human nature is generally the same across the planet. With that said, I haven’t bought a CD produced by a corporation involved with the RIAA in years, possibly six or more. Why? Because I think their music is generally talentless and not worth my money. I do buy cd’s produced by invidiual studios.

The RIAA would see me not buying their music and instantly assume that I download music illegally. I do not…and in fact, never got into this movement of music pirating. Mainly because most of the music is so bad that I don’t care to listen to it any more than I hear it in passing. Just because it’s popular doesn’t mean it’s good…or worth my wasted time downloading it.

Get a clue, RIAA…your music is boring. That’s why people aren’t buying it.

I’ll end my rant saying that I definitely don’t lose sleep over this…but I am tired of reading about them. Just like I’m tired of reading about twitter and Ashton Kutcher. There are just better products and talent out there that I would rather give my attention to…